So basically my gremlins/ saboteurs/ negative voices have had an absolute field day/ European city break/round the world cruise this week.
There is something I have to do, something I really, really want to do. Something so, so relevant to me and completely and utterly in alignment with my life right now. True, the odds for success are probably minimal. But the prize is great. And certainly worth a shot. But even though I tell myself it isn’t in the least bit scary or outside my comfort zone or capability, my week of procrastination tells me otherwise.
I just cannot bring myself to DO IT.
Oh, I have all the compelling reasons. Of course. I’m thinking about it. It’s not really worth doing. I won’t get through anyway. I’ve got so much on this week. I can’t think of anything really good so I probably shouldn’t do it. It wouldn’t feel right to do something which I couldn’t stand by. And finally, an absolute classic – I really don’t feel well. (Actually I don’t feel well – I’ve got a little cold and a cough probably due to all this stored up angst. Isn’t the body amazing?).
So finally I approach the deadline. If I don’t do this soon I am going to miss out. And deep down I really don’t want that. I project myself forward – imagine how I’m going to feel when I haven’t done this thing that I am really primed up for. I imagine telling people no, I didn’t do it. My shame. They would nod sympathetically but they’d know and I’d know. I bottled it. I imagine my excuses. Again. It didn’t feel right. I didn’t feel authentic. If I didn’t feel it was right I probably shouldn’t have done it because it wouldn’t feel right. And on and on and on. That old gremlin had me in a vice like grip which just wouldn’t let go.
SO finally I think, I can’t bear myself anymore. I am just going to do it and that’s that. So I do a pretend run. Oh, I’m so tricksy. I actually pretend to myself that I am doing it. Even though I know full well that I’m not. So then I can quite feasibly decide it’s rubbish and destroy the evidence – well, at least I tried, I can hear myself bleat.
I hear Micky on the stairs. Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll give me permission to ditch the whole thing.
‘Micky,’ I wheedle. ‘I don’t think I’m going to do this. It’s no good. My idea’s no good. Maybe I shouldn’t do it?’
He looks at me, in a way that suggests – exasperation? Boredom? To be fair, he has been here many times before. ‘What’s your idea?’
I tell him.
‘What’s wrong with that?’ he asks.
‘You think it’s ok?’ I say in my little (I’m ashamed to say, little girl) voice.
‘Yes’ he says firmly. ‘You really want to do this. You’ve always wanted to do this. It’s what you want. Go do it.’
So I did.
Sometimes all you need is a push. A champion. Someone to tell you everything’s ok. You are OK.
I wonder when I’ll be able to do that for myself.
And also I wonder if that really matters. Maybe it’s ok to need to be supported. Maybe that’s part of the human condition? That we all need to encourage each other. And accept the encouragement of others when we doubt ourselves. What do you think?
I ask Micky, ‘Do you mind if I write about you in this week’s blog?’
His reply, ‘Why would I mind? It makes me look good.’
Yes, it does. And he’s not afraid to claim that for himself. Another piece of wisdom.
In the meantime, I press the send button. And instantly I’m so glad I did. I am in participation. I am not hiding in quiet. I am OUT LOUD again.
Is there something really really scary that you want to do? Are you putting it off for all sorts of daft reasons? Is your gremlin having a party in your head? In your body?
If you like, I will be your friend. Your champion. Go on, go do it. Do it now. Be brave. Be daring. Be OUT LOUD.
And report back here once you’ve pressed the send button. Or whatever it is you have to do to finalise it.
Together we can all be courageous.